Fireworks are fucking stupid holiday reruns



Holidays are for food comas, and for me to re-post holiday themed list entries every year until it gets old.Check out this post from last 4th of July about all the amazing American shit you should be buying this week unless you hate your country, pretty sure it all still applies.

It’s kind of hard to capture in words the exact mix of solemn reverence and ass-kicking that goes into the 4th of July, so until I can get a picture up of my new tattoo of Ronald Reagan skateboarding over the Berlin Wall you’ll have to take my word for it. It’s kind of like an awesome blend of going out for drinks for some dude you kind of know’s birthday, 9/11 and the time Luke Skywalker blew up the Death Star all rolled into one. Only with a lot more hot dogs on the grill.

And what better way to commemorate our American exceptionalism than by pretend-bombing our cities. Nothing like some just kidding explosions all across the sky to set the patriotic mood, right?

Personally, I’m hoping they do that one firework routine they have where it looks like a flaming flower in the sky. That’s kind of like my jam. Yeah, I know they’ve been doing the same one since Chinese George Washington invented fireworks 10,000 years ago, but you stick with the classics, right? You can’t improve on perfect.

They invented boning and barbeque back then too, and we still haven’t managed to update those things yet either. Unless you count bukake and potato salad. Which, when you think about it, is a pretty good way to sum up the 4th of July in general. Potato salad bukake.